Then Makes Now

 How much of our self-esteem is truly determined by bullying or insults? I can remember as a child I often felt out of place from the other kids in class. I would often act out as the class clown, helplessly trying to get them to accept me. Even to the extent I once told a teacher I wanted to grow up and be a cop so I could shoot her.
Boys were an issue too. In Kindergarten, Josh wanted Amber.I had to get rid of Amber. The sad part was later he was too short for me, attractive or not. These issues followed me all the way to my high school years and intensified. The names I was called were clear accounts of internal racism. Internal racism happens when people of the same race are prejudice against each other. Example, the classic argument among Blacks about whether light skin or dark skin is better. I'm a member of team Chocolate myself but I don't have an issue with light skin people. However, when I was in school they clearly had a problem with me. I didn't understand it! The prettiest girls would pick on me without excuse, they were popular and had nothing to lose. Isn't it amazing how insecurity can wear the prettiest face? I believe these things have truly hurt me til this day. I am just a statistic in an uncountable number of people. I can hear the words echoing in my head, even when I get a compliment. The wheels of my mind turn towards negativity. If a guy talks to me I fight being excited because I automatically think I'm just "friend material".I often bitterly joke that I'm going to be the rich woman in a fur coat crying and counting her money alone.Separating my twenties from my fifties--why do I have to care?, fifties from hundreds--why can't I be numb? Crying in bitter agony when it's all over, wishing I was cold as ice all because of the inadequacy and experiences I've had to drive the pain deeper. I was so young the first time my heart was broken and I often questioned what was wrong with me. The wounds cut slowly but deeply. It never occurred to me that boys mature slowly and are so very stupid at times. They seem to think so superficially and simply. I didn't understand how overly mature I was and how amazingly "boy mature" they were.In simpler terms, they weren't anymore mature than a 2 minute old pup. I tend to remain cool and calm on the surface beneath I am a VERY PASSIONATE woman. Sometime I think of emotional things more than most people. I would probably be good at acting in a dramatic sad movie. I always did love things of all-or-nothing love sexual nature. I enjoy watching romantic movies to the point that it's in my DNA. I always felt like it was never enough, it's like I had the emotional part in love but never the mental intelligence of what a relationship is until now. Love sometimes begins with knowing the true essence and heart of a person. It is truly not always about looks. I have seen many couples that "looked" as if they had no place being involved. I "looked" but I didn't look, I didn't see the smiles on their faces every time they get around each other.Two people who are crazy for one another cannot stay angry for long, it's almost impossible. The heart of a person can be so beautiful I only hope one day I can go beyond the superficial. I want a soul-to-soul connection where I can "feel" you before I see you. I want a dream come true,I know no relationship is perfect but I would give everything I had for one shot at love.

Heart Pains

No matter what I always come back to the vent.The vent is within me. I vent to my own soul because I doubt anyone else would ever understand.I'm stuck on Big K.R.I.T just because he speaks so much truth in his music.He has a song called "Free My Soul" and that's how I feel.If I do get all this great material stuff will I be sorry in the end? Are the people who have it now that are sorry that they have it? Will they be sorry they have it when it's all over and done? I feel like crying, this week has been such a smack in the face.I feel like reality of the state of life as we know it has been exposed. Man being uplifted before God instead of bowing down in humbleness before the one who created him.I was almost the victim of the enemy's deception.When I realized how easily I was deceived it troubled my soul.Overwhelming fear and sorrow flooded my heart,I was raised believing in Christ.I don't wanna be wrong.I've seen instances where I thought he left me but then I understood.Sometimes people make bad choices on there own that cost them their lives,and break the hearts of the loved ones that clutch them like the precious jewel that they are.Sometimes people get tired of suffering and it breaks God's heart so bad he says enough.He says "I can see that this child loves me more than anything.I'm tired of their infirmities bringing them so much suffering.I give them my peace.Let them rest now."I think that's what God told my cousin Pooh..Rest Now...you been working hard to tell these people about me and to serve me.Pooh did a great job worshiping God but the problem is....he never went outside the church house. No need in having a God-given talent if you can't draw the ones who need him.I thank God he sent me to Virginia State University I pray he uses me til I don't have nothin' left .If I've done this thing to the best of my abilities,one day,one sweet day, I'll get to see uncle Bernie,Pooh,and Aunt Brenda again.

"The Motions"-Matthew West

Savior Please

Savior, please take my hand.
I work so hard, I live so fast.
This life begins, and then it ends
And I do the best that I can
But I don't know how long I'll last.

I try to be so tough
But I'm just not strong enough.
I can't do this alone,
God I need You to hold onto me.
I try to be good enough
But I'm nothing without Your love.
Savior, please, keep saving me.

Savior please, help me stand.
I fall so hard, I fade so fast.
Will You begin right where I end
And be the God of all I am
Because You're all that I have?

I try to be so tough
But I'm just not strong enough.
I can't do this alone,
God I need You to hold onto me.
I try to be good enough
But I'm nothing without Your love.
Savior, please, keep saving me.

Everything You are to me
Is everything I'll ever need
And I am learning to believe
That I don't have to prove a thing
'Cause You're the one who's saving me.
Hallelujah.

I try to be so tough
But I'm just not strong enough.
I can't do this alone,
God I need You to hold onto me.
I try to be good enough
But I'm nothing without Your love.
Savior, please, keep saving me.
No, Savior please, keep saving me

Diamond in the Back

http://youtu.be/ZVANQheoRUw

God is better than good he's GREAT!!!

It just feels so good to be alive right now. Even though my faith is being tested, God is still blessing me. I love him and I know he will supply my every need. I thank him for he is soooo faithful. Often times we cry out to God when things get messed up but never give him a second thought as long as things are well. Never do we realize that some of our suffering is him trying so desperately to draw us closer to him. It's him thinking "I wish my children would sit in my lap longer and that they would come and talk with me. Pouring out all there human cares to me.Oh I want to hear from them so bad" God wants to hear from us because he loves us. He took his time to make us and mold us. We are his craftsmanship and I praise God that though he made us similar none of us look,think, or view the world exactly alike. He wants to hear from YOU not the crowd and you as you stand in it but YOU as an individual.

THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!

http://vevo.ly/gG6yuc