How much of our self-esteem is truly determined by bullying or insults? I can remember as a child I often felt out of place from the other kids in class. I would often act out as the class clown, helplessly trying to get them to accept me. Even to the extent I once told a teacher I wanted to grow up and be a cop so I could shoot her.
Boys were an issue too. In Kindergarten, Josh wanted Amber.I had to get rid of Amber. The sad part was later he was too short for me, attractive or not. These issues followed me all the way to my high school years and intensified. The names I was called were clear accounts of internal racism. Internal racism happens when people of the same race are prejudice against each other. Example, the classic argument among Blacks about whether light skin or dark skin is better. I'm a member of team Chocolate myself but I don't have an issue with light skin people. However, when I was in school they clearly had a problem with me. I didn't understand it! The prettiest girls would pick on me without excuse, they were popular and had nothing to lose. Isn't it amazing how insecurity can wear the prettiest face? I believe these things have truly hurt me til this day. I am just a statistic in an uncountable number of people. I can hear the words echoing in my head, even when I get a compliment. The wheels of my mind turn towards negativity. If a guy talks to me I fight being excited because I automatically think I'm just "friend material".I often bitterly joke that I'm going to be the rich woman in a fur coat crying and counting her money alone.Separating my twenties from my fifties--why do I have to care?, fifties from hundreds--why can't I be numb? Crying in bitter agony when it's all over, wishing I was cold as ice all because of the inadequacy and experiences I've had to drive the pain deeper. I was so young the first time my heart was broken and I often questioned what was wrong with me. The wounds cut slowly but deeply. It never occurred to me that boys mature slowly and are so very stupid at times. They seem to think so superficially and simply. I didn't understand how overly mature I was and how amazingly "boy mature" they were.In simpler terms, they weren't anymore mature than a 2 minute old pup. I tend to remain cool and calm on the surface beneath I am a VERY PASSIONATE woman. Sometime I think of emotional things more than most people. I would probably be good at acting in a dramatic sad movie. I always did love things of all-or-nothing love sexual nature. I enjoy watching romantic movies to the point that it's in my DNA. I always felt like it was never enough, it's like I had the emotional part in love but never the mental intelligence of what a relationship is until now. Love sometimes begins with knowing the true essence and heart of a person. It is truly not always about looks. I have seen many couples that "looked" as if they had no place being involved. I "looked" but I didn't look, I didn't see the smiles on their faces every time they get around each other.Two people who are crazy for one another cannot stay angry for long, it's almost impossible. The heart of a person can be so beautiful I only hope one day I can go beyond the superficial. I want a soul-to-soul connection where I can "feel" you before I see you. I want a dream come true,I know no relationship is perfect but I would give everything I had for one shot at love.
