Dreamer's Pondering

I have tried to rationalize myself in my own human mind.I have tried to understand the things that I do.
When I ponder on these things it leaves my mind in a state of utter self-hatred and disgust.Disgust at the things that are human within me,the things that I allow to dictate my actions even when I know there wrong.I try to do the right things and as I attempt to do this I find that I am always pit against myself,my flesh pit against my spirit.My learned, elevated correctness against the vengeance and instinctual responses in my very nature. I sit back and wonder why it it that I must always attempt to put space between me and the people I love the most.I think I love too hard.I've never had a long-lasting relationship in my life (one year is about as far as I've reached and even that is questionable) yet I can see into others relationships and tell them everything that is wrong with it.I just don't understand maybe I'm suppose to make it on my own maybe I'm suppose to create love and cause love but never partake in it's sweet taste. Maybe it is the one joy of life that is denied to me.I'm still trying to find a place in this world,still trying to see if I belong if I have any business being here or if I'm just a poor soul that God allowed to see the world and rationalize all it's stupor and ignorance.I'm 19 years old!!! I can't drive,I can't keep friends cause I bottle my emotions and then cut ppl off without word late,I'm a Sophomore in college,I still don't know what it is I'm gonna do with my major,I don't know if I want to continue to write(type in this case) or if I want to talk on the radio.The other alternative is so preposterous that I won't even dare speak of it.I can't even tell my own mother,I've got a plan now let's see if it works.I feel God gave me this plan for a reason I have no idea if he's just trying to teach me a lesson,be funny,or if he is just allowing me to answer another one of my ridiculous what if questions,if you're interested to find out stay tuned....